Hey there, Blunt Bumps community. I’m sharing a piece of my soul today – the raw, unfiltered emotions that have been swirling within me since our gender reveal party this past Saturday. We went with an anchor theme to play on my life as a Navy Sailor.
The Setup
Prior to last Thursday’s OBGYN appointment I painted two onesies with anchors—one pink, one blue. At the ultrasound, the sonographer had us look away before scanning the genitals. Once the ultrasound was finished, she tucked the correctly colored onesie into a gift bag for our baby’s gender reveal. Throughout the week, I also painted a few wooden anchors for us to make our ouwn guess, painted a sign, and made cookies in the shape of an anchor.
The Anticipation
We kicked off our gender reveal party by publicly making our guesses. Both of us chose a pink anchor, setting the stage for an unexpected twist. Online polls echoed a majority predicting a girl. Excitement buzzed as we reached for the gift bag, revealing a blue anchor – it’s a boy!
The Struggle
I won’t lie; my heart was set on a girl. Earlier that week, I realized that and consciously opened my mind to the possibility of a boy. My fiancé even pointed out my attachment to girl clothes, thinking that was the root of my potential disappointment. However, it has nothing to do with that, but goes much deeper.
The Hidden Grief
Here’s the unspoken truth—I always imagined naming my first son after my childhood best friend, Adam Michael. His tragic passing at a young age left an indelible mark on my heart. I was only 8 years old when he passed away and his death is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to get over in my life. For years, no guy could measure up to him, holding my ideals to a standard set by a friend I lost too soon.
Since his death, I’ve known that I wanted my first son named either Adam Michael or Michael Adam. If my significant other was opposed, bare minimum, part of my friend’s name had to be in my first son’s name.
Forced Letting Go
As my fiance and I discussed names, nothing of Adam was woven into the chosen boy’s name, despite the fact that my fiance knew of my desire and knew the backstory of the loss of my precious friend. Letting go of the dream to name my son after him feels like I’m being forced to release a part of my best friend.
Having decided on a boy and girl name together, I yearned for this baby to be a girl. Besides simply seeing myself as a girl mom first, I knew the way to hold onto my dream of my first son’s name was to not have a son.
Yes, I was disappointed when that blue anchor unfurled, but the heartache runs deeper.
Grieving Dreams
It’s okay to grieve the loss of the dream you held onto, the dream you created in your mind. Gender identity disappointment is real. It’s okay to feel that pang, to mourn the death of your ideals. I’ve been there, grieving the loss of Adam, and now grieving the loss of naming my son after him.
The Journey Forward
Yet, here I am, picking up the pieces. We’re not yet going public with the name. However, I’m repeating the chosen boy’s name to my baby bump. My hope is that by saying his name over and over, I’ll come to love this little boy for who he is, not who I spent my life dreaming I’d create. It’s a process, a journey of letting go, embracing, and ultimately, loving.
Closing Thoughts
If you find yourself in this space of gender disapppointment, know that it’s okay. Grieve, let the tears flow, but then begin the journey forward. Acceptance doesn’t mean erasing the disappointment; it means acknowledging it and choosing to love what is, rather than mourning what could have been.
Here’s to embracing the unexpected joy of a baby boy and navigating the beautiful chaos of motherhood, one heartfelt step at a time.
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